This is where I spent my morning volunteering with San Bernardino County Master Gardeners. When there are no pending calls, or emails to the helpline I read through materials that are available. I watch videos on YouTube on gardening and urban homesteading.
Here is my orange tree that is grafted. We mostly get blood oranges and this year we seem to be getting what is like a cross between a lemon and an orange. We shall see what the season continues to bring.
Here I am on a ladder up in the lowest parts of my pecan tree. Notice I am in skirt. Really, I think there is so much I can do in a dress or in a skirt. That is how I go through like, finding challenges and going forth. It really wasn't that long ago that women worked and even hiked long distances in skirts and dresses. This is how I am choosing to go through my life.
5 dry liters of pecans....there's plenty more where those came from.
Today I have spent some time writing some poetry and reading. I changed some of the books out in my Little Free Library. Also, did some planning on what to do with my front yard and clean it up. I really need to get some lettuces in the ground. There is much tending needing to be done all over my yard. My oldest daughter and I would like to have some prairie dresses, aprons, and summer bonnets to work in the yard with next summer. She is good with the sewing machine so we should look for some patterns and fabrics. For some people this may seem weird, but we will be comfortable and we like to dress up.
Music pulsed through my ears from time to time and so did some emotions. When I write I get emotional, and so be it. That is part of the process for me. For the most part of my life it has been. Right now I am also coming up with a name for my collection of poems. I know the call for submissions is no guarantee, but I need to step out of my comfort zone. I need to keep stepping forward and doing things I have always wanted to. Soon, I need to edit and work on the novel I wrote in 2008. One thing at a time, and one tick off my bucket list at a time.
Today is the Marine Corps. birthday and we celebrated with free cheeseburgers from Farmer Bros. They always make good burgers. Thankful for that.
My friend shared me the Leon Bridges song that is in this post. It just speaks to me, the lyrics, the music, all of it. Growing up a brown girl was hard for me, it was a struggle. It was struggle when my mom and dad parted ways. It was struggle being told I wasn't good enough. It was a struggle being told I am too much. This has been my life. This is a mindset I am trying to leave behind, not my browness, not my womeness, just that "too much" or "not good enough".
23 years ago today I met the man that I would eventually marry. 1994 both seems like last week and a lifetime ago. We started out as from the Marines, he was still in. We stayed in contact for a few years through letter writing and a occasional phone call. In 1997 I was living in Wichita, and starting the process to start college to become a teacher. My days and nights were mostly spent working. During that time I had two jobs, one was retail and the other was overnight doing a store remodel. My fear was getting trapped in Kansas and not leading a life I loved. Really, I did not want to be a teacher, I wanted to travel around, write, and go back to the Atlantic coast. So, I made a call to the person my heart still held on to, and that night I left Kansas on a Greyhound bus to North Carolina. Life ever since had been full of twists and turns. Nothing was ever perfect, except in the moments it was meant to be. We have fought, cried, kissed, moved, separated at one point, battled demons and vices, and we have always loved always loved, and continue to do so.
We are two very different people, which at times is rough and at others it makes us perfect. I am social and he likes to be at home. I like going to crowded places, he likes quiet solidarity. He likes country fried chicken, and I like sweet rice. He likes Tom Cruse movies and I like subtitles. Yet, here we are. Here we are, 23 years of friendship later, in transition once again and yet still loving one another through it all.
Today, we walked through an antique store and it's garden. We shared a meal at McDonalds and came home. It could only have been better if the drizzle would of turned to rain.
I have been writing a lot of poetry and am looking into submitting for publishing. One of my lifelong dreams is to have a book, even a small one of poetry published. So, here is to bucketlist items being fulfilled. There is no desire for my to wait until my golden years to try and tick these things off. These days it's about living life now, withing my financial means of course. Since I enjoy going out and doing things, then I do things that make me happy. Learning, volunteering, walking around in stores (even with empty pockets), and going out with friends. Next week I should be going to a class for holiday treats. It is being put on by Master Food Preservers. There are some people from the Master Gardeners program who are also going. It should be fun.
I have been going through past experiences, in my thoughts I have been inventorying how they have made me feel. How they have shaped the woman I have become. Sometimes these thoughts, inventories manifest in tears, sometimes they manifest in poems, and sometimes a combination of both. Someday, hopefully soon I hope to become a better woman. A woman who has some sort of peace about her childhood and her past. Where questions can be asked and answered honestly. That means the woman I am needs to gain strength in her words, in her value, and in not allowing herself to be reduced to as small child.
All my life people have made me feel "not enough" or "too much". These are feelings that have found there way into my adult life, my life as a wife, and my life as a mother....and as a friend. Here I am just trying to be better and figure this all out at 41. Shouldn't I feel "just right" by now?
It is weird to me how depression creeps up, what can trigger is not so weird. The triggers can be traumatic and defiantly remind me I still need a lot of work. For me, work means getting back into therapy sooner than later (I am working on that), and creative outlets. I have been greatly inspired by this Harry Styles album, more than anything in a very long time. Lately, I have been really working on my poetry more and my art. Creative outlets help me so much, and listening to this album while I work just allows me to flow better, work through some of the things in my head, and even cry a little. Isn't that what a good album will do?
My plan for housework this week include reorganizing the living room, because it is a creative outlet for me. Isn't it funny how a hated childhood chore is now a beloved adult creative outlet? I really think it is. But, that is how it goes I suppose.
Another, way I like getting creative, and escape my triggers is putting together outfits. Today was low
key, it was over 100 out and I opted for a comfortable shirt dress from DressBarn that I found for $1 at the Goodwill. Yay for the Goodwill!
There is so much to process in my feed on Facebook, Twitter, and the news in general. My escape is music, my writing, and planning out what to wear. I enjoy moments of thought and laughter with my family throughout my day. Today was humid and grey, we enjoyed some moments and had some unpleasant ones....such is life. On the internet I have been searching for open mic nights to maybe read some of my new poetry. It's scary to think about, but I won't know if I still have it if I do not try it again.
When I was younger I was fearless, so fearless. I would do things on a whim, not a second thought. Age, motherhood, and a chronically anxious partner has changed that. At 41 I think I need to continue to work on expanding my boundaries, stepping out more on my own....engaging in experiences that have been on a list in the back of my mind. That is where I am.
Today after dropping kids off at class, it was time for wondering and writing. I wondered around downtown and looked in some shops, and looked at art. I ended up at a Coffee Bean & Tea leaf where I drank iced tea, did some free writing and wrote a poem. I also wandered around Low'e looking at things it would be nice to have.....
