Slow It Down

Sometimes, sometimes I just need to slow down and see where I am standing. See how I am standing. My head gets busy, my body gets busy and my chest vibrates. My shoulders and back tense. I know I need to slow it down. I know I need to stand tall and now I will get past all that lingers in my mind and my heart.

Some day I feel like all those labels, and traumas follow being me like a cape. It's not pulling on me, but it will furl and wrap around me and remind me of why I am the way I am. Why I am going through such a hard time. These things that haunt me have changed me and continue to change me day by day. Some days I am changing moment by moment.

This morning, I awake in a sweat with a feel of being strangled. Then I monitored my heart as my heart rate jumped over 30 beats and I did my breathing exercises. Slowing my heart rate back to normal. Falling back to sleep was hard and I awoke to my husband asking me if I wanted to drive him to work. My body was already vibrating and tense. This is my life right now, and hopefully not forever. It took so much energy to focus and make breakfast. Then I rested, and watched TV with the kids who were in the room with me. I took my meds and was able to relax so that I could get dressed. This should not be a struggle. Yet, here it is.

Right now I am pretty much homebound because of the weather not agreeing with my heart. I am blessed though that I have an air conditioned home, so that I can move about when my body allows me. In my home I have my music, my art, my books, and my family. In my home I have support and I have my dog Ryan Gosling. Yet, a lot of me years to be back on the trails and out in the sun moving my body through sand and soil. My boots long to get dirty and have the tread worn down. Soon, I am sure soon I will be back in my former life.

One thing I wish is that I had visitors or phone calls. Or someone who wants to meet up in a cool place with parking close to the door. What I do not want, is what I probably need....a temporary wheel chair. When I do go to the VA, now if I go to a store it's safer for me to be in a wheelchair. However, I do not have one. I don't want one....right now I just want peace in my mind and soul.

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”

--St. Francis de Sales

Heart's on Fire

Life is up and down, like hiking on a familiar path with unexpected peaks that take your breath away. When you move forward and gets your boots broken in, something or someone puts a thorn in your foot and you have to get off trail. That is how life has been for me. Life was going in a long and I was going slowly uphill, when I lost my footing and lost my breath. 

My heart is broken, and not in sense that love has been lost or love has left. In the sense that right now I am wearing a heart monitor for two weeks, and hoping that the episodes are temporary. My spirit is tired and it's often so much to just get ready at some point in the day. Routines and rituals are a required part of my self care. The physical thing with my heart is messing with my mental state more and more. It's as if, it's vortex wherein my anxiety raises my heart rate, and my hear rate raises my anxiety and back again. 

Since I was 12 I had worried about developing some sort of heart problem. My maternal grandfather suffered a heart attack. Worry around that always lingered in my mind, mostly in the background. So when I started experiencing these SVT episodes, my mind wandered off into the worst things that could happen. Mostly worrying I would suffer a heart attack at home alone with my kids. What would that do to them? I have some young ones still, and older ones that are riddled with their own anxieties already. Do I really want to add to that because I have been neglectful with myself, or have worried myself into this predicament. So may unknowns, and so much out of my control. Life was easier when it was easier for me to go with the flow.

My worry became more intense when a few years ago my cousin, who was just under  a year older than me suffered a heart attack and had two subsequent strokes. Yes, I know I am not my grandfather nor am I my cousin....it's just thinking I have needed to change, and WILL change. baby steps. baby steps. baby steps. Anita, you will be okay....you are not the people who have suffered and left big hand prints on your heart. Your life is your own, even when you draw the lines of similarity.

I have produced a lot of tears lately. Often, I get upset that I am so emotional. Growing up having emotions seemed like they were off limits. Sharing emotions and feelings was not allowed. One parent seemed to only show anger. The other parent seemed always on the verge of being vulnerable to feelings. Step-parents who held me at arms distance. So, when I feel feelings....I sometimes fell like my body is morphed into this young girl with long black braids who is getting yelled out for talking about the things that were going on, that perhaps should not have.

My heart is is recovery in many aspects and burns with passion. 

”Watch, O Lord, with those who wake or watch or weep tonight, and give your angels and saints charge over those who sleep. Tend your sick ones, O Lord Christ. Rest your weary ones. Bless your dying ones. Soothe your suffering ones. Pity your afflicted ones, shield your joyous ones. And all for love's sake.” – St. Augustine of Hippo

Oh, I cannot wait to once again be a joyous one.