I just wanted to bring you home, and give you all your normal comforts. I wanted to give you chocolate, shrimp chips, some new pet rats, and all the art supplies my bank account can buy. I wanted to hug the pain and disappointment away, but I know you do not like hugs. I wanted to make you better, but I know that is no longer in my realm of capabilities.
You have always been such a shining star. You have inspired me with your kindness, your creativity, and your bravery. Even when you have felt like none of these things, you have been these things. You are an amazing person, and do not want you to lose your spark, you worth, and your passion. I hope you know what we are doing, is so that you are given the best life possible. So that you can achieve even your wildest dreams of dog sledding in Alaska, going to Russia, and even loving in the mountains somewhere surrounded by rescue dogs and rats. Because, nothing is too far fetched, nothing is impossible once you have the care you deserve.
It's so quiet without you. As much as the chaos is hard to deal with, this new reality is hard as well, You're to blame for nothing. You tried your hardest for a long time, you gave up some times. You said you do not like how your brain works, and how you sometimes behave. We know it's not your fault, yet we are humans and would get overwhelmed. For that I am sorry, sorry that I did not find out how to get you the best care sooner. Dad tried, he really did and that's why you are where you are. So that you become the best you.
In the end I want you to know you are loved.
Love,
Mom AKS he lady who yells "Make Good Choice!"
"And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.”
In June of 2004, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl with the blackest hair, and fairest skin. She came out on her own time, which like other things in life, it was fast and took me by surprise. She walked very early and talked very early. She ran before she ever attempted to crawl, she climbed without fear. She learned to ride a bike on the first try. She has been gifted in any art form she has tried. Her big chocolate eyes have always seen the smallest details in everyday life.
For a long time, she was my buddy. She trailed my aprons strings and skirt hems. She like to wear my headcoverings, hats, and wrap herself in my scarves. She would sneak the reddest of my lipsticks, and ask me to read her "Goodnight Moon' in the middle of the day. Her favorite song has always been Brooks & Dunns, "Cowgirls Don't Cry'. She loves horses, and has always asked for one. I wish I had already bought her one. She has gone to horse camp and has had riding lessons. She is at home up there on the saddle, a natural with no fear. Which, to me is beautiful. The girl who had no fear for so long, she is now riddled with fear.
When Astro was four things began to change. She started talk therapy with the most amazing therapist we have ever had. We were there weekly for an hour long session, it often went over. She had been seeing shadows and spirits. They had been talking to her. Some of the things she whispered to her dad, they were pretty frightening. Things improved. No real diagnosis was given as she was so incredibly young. Her therapist vanished after the death of his grandson. We scrambled to find a provider that would work with someone so young. There was gap in her mental health care, however her pediatrician always kept herself updated on ways to we could help. Since there was no diagnosis there was no medication.
When she was about seven or so she started with a psychiatrist who said she was possibly bipolar but would not say so defiantly. He treated her with medication that worked. She was doing well, for a long time. She saw him every month, until she didn't. His office closed and we were again without care. It took a couple of years for us to find someone new, the same person still sees her to this day. There have been periods where she has felt amazing, and like a regular kid. The hope had been that once puberty hit, her hormones might level her out. But, it only amped things up. The outbursts became worse, anxiety became a series of seemingly unstoppable roller coaster rides. Her psychiatrist started changes meds to better help her. We found her a new therapist, who she really never connected with. The school found her a new one, she connected.
At age 11 she had her first psychiatric hospital stay which was during a long bought of severe depression. A depression that had her not eating, bathing, and trying to keep her room as dark as possible. She had made a habitat in her room for her to hibernate. Those are her words. When she was there less than 24 hours she showed signs of hypomania. She was given several diagnosis', none of which we really confirmed. They read like a list of symptoms. She entered a partial hospitalization program. Things never really got better, they just leveled out for a period.
Over the last year she has become more erratic, more destructive to herself, property, and the people around her. We have all tried to help her. She started feeling things crawling on her skin, hearing voices and sounds. She tore the mirror off her wall, and took apart the wall behind it. The mirror apparently has spirits, the room is haunted, and there was something in her wall. None of which are true. She started disassocating and wandering. She was often found barefoot in the neighborhood, confused and unafraid. Her psychiatrist tried getting her into a few local hospitals with no luck, adolescent beds were always full. Heartbreaking.
She is now in a psychiatric hospital. She had psychosis, and tried harming herself while she was disassociated. Her dad stopped her in time, took her to the local children's hospital emergency room. They found her a spot within an hour from home. She has surpassed her 72 hour hold. She still there. She is still hearing voices has had a few outbursts when someone called her, "retarded". She has Aspergers and the word triggers her. She was pacing the floors when we were there last night. The staff is wonderful. Her condition is so bad she can not have a roommate, she can only leave her room for process group.
Right now it looks like her diagnosis has a high possibility of being schizophrenia. She is awaiting a bed in a long term residential facility.
We have relief in that she is getting great care, and our hearts are breaking. The house is incredibly quiet, I lay in her bed yesterday and sobbed, I sobbed for relief, I sobbed for the loss of the girl we once knew.
"Why must we suffer? Because here below pure Love cannot exist without suffering."
