Down In The Valley

Today I got to go to the art walk/zine fest in Redlands. In the past I have been to the zine fest, but not the art walk, this year they were in the same area. The vendors, artists, and makers were a plenty and some were making art and zines as people walked through. There were families, couples, young people, teens of all ages roaming Downtown Redlands on a warm October day. There were people with dogs strolling holding cups of what I assume is coffee, and people milling in and out of the local shops that were open for business.

I milled through a three level antique store and kept seeing things I wanted to take home with me. There were a few typewriter, record players, and so many office supplies whispering to me that they needed me to to take them home. There so many small childrens records full of nature and folk songs smiling at me, so colorful and kept near perfect, next to them was a case with beautiful old fountain pens, wax stamp, and ink bottles. Oh, how they looked at me so lovingly. Then there were the hats beckoning to sit atop my head and be kin to my hats at home. I left only spending about $2.50 on a vintage childrens record of nature songs, however I promised to return and gaze lovingly at everything again..

Today's dress is vintage, handmade probably late 1960's early 1970's....a Goodwill fins that only cost me $1 a few months ago.

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Love Letter

 This is my creative space where I will be working on this years NaNoWRIMO. It is where I draw pictures, write letters, type up poems, and even read books when I don't want to sit on my couch.  This is the spot where where I study for my Master Gardener course, study religion, philosophy, and social issues. I feel lucky to have this desk, even though it is old, scratched, and worn. I will use it until the time comes when something different falls into my lap.

F*CKN' Perfect

 It wasn't so long ago, so it seems when someone close to me told me I didn't have a good facial profile. I was told my nose is too flat, too wide, ad my cheeks are too round. I was told that people wanted to see girls with thinner, pointy noses and flat cheeks. I was too short and too fat. I weighed 89 pounds at the time, and was  just as tall as I am today, All I wanted was to be on television, or better yet on stage. When I was in junior high my goal was to some how end up in musical theater, to play people who had lives other than mine. Did I want to be someone else? Yes, for moments in time I did. But, only in the sense of escaping and playacting not in real life. But, I did long for a different life, if that makes any sense.
I junior high I joined drama club, In high school I lettered in theater arts. My singing was mediocre and my dancing was okay. My drama teacher said if I had lessons might be able to get somewhere. He was real and honest, and most of my jobs were  and small parts. He knew I didn't have the money for these things. However, he encouraged my to practice dramatic readings of my poetry, and not to change who I was at my core. "You're a better writer than an actor, although I know your desire is to be on stage. You can be on stage in other ways. Anita, keep writing and you will shine."
I graduated high school, joined the Marines, moved around, got married and had an increasingly number of kids. Writing short stories, and poems waxed and waned. My style for the dramatic did as well, and here I am at 41 and reminiscing on words. Words of being "not enough" and "too much". Words of encouragement and realism.
Last year at my paternal grandmothers funeral I did all the readings at Mass, and the Prayer of the Faithful. It wasn't easy for me, but I powered through. At the reception one of my uncles said I was a wonderful speaker and that I could be on television. I already have been on television (Thanks Lisa Ling). So, here I sit tonight reflecting on those words, and the words of many people who have entered my life who affirmed me as an adult. Affirmed me that I AM beautiful, I AM enough, I AM capable. So, now I accept that affirmations as true....and know that my junior high dreams can be reached in very different ways. The path to the stage isn't always a straight line, or a perfect pen stroke.

Loner

Well, here is why I am changing my blog name....and I think I will stick with it. As you may or may not know I do just about everything in a dress or a skirt. It is just my way, I do have a couple pairs of leggings I wear under my skirts and a pair of sweats for when I just need to revert to old comfort. I started after I had my first daughter, I got sad and lazy after she was born. My clothes didn't fit the same, and pants seemed so prescriptive, plus I was in this weird phase where I thought pants were sinful on women. Wearing skirts and dresses has changed my life in ways that may seem crazy. I feel more comfortable in my skin, and I like how much more I feel I can express myself. I get creative and I have learned to do just about anything wearing them, exercising, gardening, hiking, and whatever else needs to be done. Even sitting grumpy in a hot van, like in this photo below.

 I got to eat some delicious tacos today. Tacos, on Tuesday is something  I am pretty grateful for, laugh if you want but, I will file under self care.

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Master Gardener class was good tonight, Citrus and Avocados! So much to know and so many nasty bugs. I really enjoy this class, and that fact that we get a little break to socialize and connect sure does help. I really hope 41 isn't too late to make new friends, especially ones with a common interest.

Two Ghosts

   

It is weird to me how depression creeps up, what can trigger is not so weird. The triggers can be traumatic and defiantly remind me I still need a lot of work. For me, work means getting back into therapy sooner than later (I am working on that), and creative outlets. I have been greatly inspired by this Harry Styles album, more than anything in a very long time. Lately, I have been really working on my poetry more and my art. Creative outlets help me so much, and listening to this album while I work just allows me to flow better, work through some of the things in my head, and even cry a little. Isn't that what a good album will do?

My plan for housework this week include reorganizing the living room, because it is a creative outlet for me. Isn't it funny how a hated childhood chore is now a beloved adult creative outlet? I really think it is. But, that is how it goes I suppose.

Another, way I like getting creative, and escape my triggers is putting together outfits. Today was low

key, it was over 100 out and I opted for a comfortable shirt dress from DressBarn that I found for
$1 at the Goodwill. Yay for the Goodwill! 

Well, back to music and writing for the night.

Run

     

So, it is Sunday and I got to go to Mass and be part of the older boys Rite of Acceptance. It was beautiful. Of course.

 

I really do not know what else to say about today. Just hoping to have a good week and get some work done in the house, the yard, and to get my creative time in. When I get my creative time in, I tend to do better all around. I also need to get some outside time in with some exercise....it has been too long. Time to get accountable with myself. My goal is to work up to running again, and avoiding another knee or foot issue.

 

 This dress is a $1 find from my local Goodwill. It is a Davids Bridal dress.

The More You Ingnore Me...

...the Closer I Get


     

Everyday is a good day for Morrissey, don't you think? I think so.  Although, mostly I listened to Harry Styles first release mostly. I still have a deep connection to Moz's music. You know, it's like listening to corrido's and ranchero's. Someone love lorn.....

This morning I volunteered with San Bernardino Master Gardener's at Redlands Certified Farmers Market. It is always interesting to see the people who come up and chat with us. I do enjoy people watching and talking, so it s a perfect setting for me. I came home and wrote for a bit the started a practice picture. Pencil drawing is something I am relearning, I enjoy it so much. Tomorrow my older boys have a religious rite so I spent some time getting proper clothing together for one of them, the other one has a suit. 

The other day I felt like I was coming out of my funk, but right now it's looming. I am okay though and probably just need to get better sleep and food in my body. There are different causes of this feeling for me, and right now I know this one of the major things besides my PTSD being triggered. I just don't want to end up confused and in a place I don't belong.

Four times today I was complimented on my vintage decade mix matched outfit. The hat is 50's/60's and my dress is late 40's probably. Both wonderful Goodwill finds.

 

What I Am

       

There is so much to process in my feed on Facebook, Twitter, and the news in general. My escape is music, my writing, and planning out what to wear. I enjoy moments of thought and laughter with my family throughout my day. Today was humid and grey, we enjoyed some moments and had some unpleasant ones....such is life. On the internet I have been searching for open mic nights to maybe read some of my new poetry. It's scary to think about, but I won't know if I still have it if I do not try it again. 

When I was younger I was fearless, so fearless. I would do things on a whim, not a second thought. Age, motherhood, and a chronically anxious partner has changed that. At 41 I think I need to continue to work on expanding my boundaries, stepping out more on my own....engaging in experiences that have been on a list in the back of my mind. That is where I am.

 

CW/TW Poem has imagery of sexual violence

 OOTD:
Dress: LaneBryant via Goodwill Socal
Blouse: Unbranded via Goodwill Socal
Shoes: Payless Shoes Source
Pin:  Unique Vintage
Glasses: Zenni Optical

Origami

     

This song is beautiful...

 

Today after dropping kids off at class, it was time for wondering and writing. I wondered around downtown and looked in some shops, and looked at art. I ended up at a Coffee Bean & Tea leaf where I drank iced tea, did some free writing and wrote a poem. I also wandered around Low'e looking at things it would be nice to have.....

OOTD:
Top: Torrid
Skirt: Torrid
Shoes: Payless
Choker: Torrid