Slow It Down

Sometimes, sometimes I just need to slow down and see where I am standing. See how I am standing. My head gets busy, my body gets busy and my chest vibrates. My shoulders and back tense. I know I need to slow it down. I know I need to stand tall and now I will get past all that lingers in my mind and my heart.

Some day I feel like all those labels, and traumas follow being me like a cape. It's not pulling on me, but it will furl and wrap around me and remind me of why I am the way I am. Why I am going through such a hard time. These things that haunt me have changed me and continue to change me day by day. Some days I am changing moment by moment.

This morning, I awake in a sweat with a feel of being strangled. Then I monitored my heart as my heart rate jumped over 30 beats and I did my breathing exercises. Slowing my heart rate back to normal. Falling back to sleep was hard and I awoke to my husband asking me if I wanted to drive him to work. My body was already vibrating and tense. This is my life right now, and hopefully not forever. It took so much energy to focus and make breakfast. Then I rested, and watched TV with the kids who were in the room with me. I took my meds and was able to relax so that I could get dressed. This should not be a struggle. Yet, here it is.

Right now I am pretty much homebound because of the weather not agreeing with my heart. I am blessed though that I have an air conditioned home, so that I can move about when my body allows me. In my home I have my music, my art, my books, and my family. In my home I have support and I have my dog Ryan Gosling. Yet, a lot of me years to be back on the trails and out in the sun moving my body through sand and soil. My boots long to get dirty and have the tread worn down. Soon, I am sure soon I will be back in my former life.

One thing I wish is that I had visitors or phone calls. Or someone who wants to meet up in a cool place with parking close to the door. What I do not want, is what I probably need....a temporary wheel chair. When I do go to the VA, now if I go to a store it's safer for me to be in a wheelchair. However, I do not have one. I don't want one....right now I just want peace in my mind and soul.

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”

--St. Francis de Sales

I'll Follow Your Trail

Tomorrow my oldest child will start his adventure into the real world outside of our home.  He is an 18 year old young man, who has always amazed and surprised me, he has broken my heart and mended the wounds. Life with him has always been an adventure, and his new path is something we are all excited to hear about.

There is so much I could tell you about this young man. He was the first child I was able to carry to term, and for awhile I thought he would be my only natural child. When he was put into my arm, I swore off baby talking. I read him books everyday, sang him songs, and recited poetry to him. We listened to music of just about every genre from every age I could get my hands on to. I took him on walks, runs, to libraries, on city buses, and to see many people.

We have visited museums and parks. We have visited doctors and hospitals for both physical and mental health problems. We have gone through the process of IEP's, assessments, and diagnosis'...and nothing has stopped my heart from loving him. When he graduated high school at the age of 17, my mind flashed back to this little verbose kid who would tell everyone he met everything he knew about JFK, dinosaurs, and the space race. He talked politics, philosophy, and religion with an elderly neighbor. He is not that little kid anymore, and his topics of interest have changed a bit. He will give us talks on how geography has changed due to war and migration and how that relates to a country's flag.

I wish and hope the best for this guy and he starts his journey with the California Conservation Corps. tomorrow.


Dexter,
If you ever see this....know I am very proud of the young man you have become. I am very proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone. You are stronger than you know. Life is an adventure and I will follow your trail from a distance. I just want you to be happy and enjoy life in a way you may not yet know exists.

Love,
Mom

The happiness of man on earth, my children, is to be very good; those who are very good bless the good God, they love Him, they glorify Him, and do all their works with joy and love, because they know that we are in this world for no other end than to serve and love the good God. - St. Jean Marie Baptiste Vianney, the Cure of Ars

I Can't Make You Love Me

Sometimes a creeping sadness sets in. Sometimes I roll around in it for a bit and sometimes I try to fight it off. Usually, these episodes revolve around my feeling worth, worth of love, life, possessions, friendships, and even worth of feeling good. By feeling good, I mean more than just mentally. I mean physically and spiritually.

When I was growing up, I feel I was made to feel unworthy of things. Not just by adults but my similarly aged family  members. I feel like I was always fighting for love and acceptance. My views on love, and what love entailed were and still are askew. Pain, sadness, separation, begging, loneliness, abusive submission, and manipulation were what I saw of love. Not just was is considered an eros type of love, but an agape love.

As I entered my teen years, I saw women were seemly there for men to control and to use as his need to be met. Women's needs and desires, they often took third place behind the needs of men and children. I tried to fight against this, to not be some object of desire yet, I deeply wanted to be desired and mostly to be loved. Be loved for who I was and who I would become. But, did I deserve that type of agape and eros love? What made me special?  There were constant reminders that I was not beautiful, that I was smarter than a man would like me to be. So I was in a constant state of not knowing if I would ever find a love that complimented me. I was also unsure that I could love someone the way I wanted to be loved. Really, these thoughts still hold valuable real estate in my brain and in my heart.

I pushed a lot of people away. Afraid, afraid of the pain that would be inevitable. Afraid, afraid of being loved so much that I would bot recognize it as true.  Even now, 19 years into my marriage I often feel like the rug will be pulled out from under my feet. You know, like it has been a big joke....like I am dog earred page in his life, in an old comfortable book....and he was just waiting for the long awaited sequel. Possibly this is all very irrational and possibly, this is all true,

I know my worth in not in my relationship. But, it has a way of shaping my view of my worth. We wax and wane in where we are in life. Lovers, friends, house mates, caretakers....strangers. We were once young, struggling, full of possibility. We were once, healthy and thin and active. Right now we are older, struggling in different ways, and not quite who we once were. We are different as a couple and in many ways different individuals.

A lot has to change in me. I am working on my worth. I am working on what I see in myself that is of value. What can I offer the world, outside of my selfish needs. So much of me wants everything I love and have a passion for to also be what he ha s love and passion for. At one time we has the same passions and desires....not so much anymore. My prayer for him is that he finds his.

"Lord, grant that I might not so much seek to be loved as to love."

--Saint Francis of Assisi

Heart's on Fire

Life is up and down, like hiking on a familiar path with unexpected peaks that take your breath away. When you move forward and gets your boots broken in, something or someone puts a thorn in your foot and you have to get off trail. That is how life has been for me. Life was going in a long and I was going slowly uphill, when I lost my footing and lost my breath. 

My heart is broken, and not in sense that love has been lost or love has left. In the sense that right now I am wearing a heart monitor for two weeks, and hoping that the episodes are temporary. My spirit is tired and it's often so much to just get ready at some point in the day. Routines and rituals are a required part of my self care. The physical thing with my heart is messing with my mental state more and more. It's as if, it's vortex wherein my anxiety raises my heart rate, and my hear rate raises my anxiety and back again. 

Since I was 12 I had worried about developing some sort of heart problem. My maternal grandfather suffered a heart attack. Worry around that always lingered in my mind, mostly in the background. So when I started experiencing these SVT episodes, my mind wandered off into the worst things that could happen. Mostly worrying I would suffer a heart attack at home alone with my kids. What would that do to them? I have some young ones still, and older ones that are riddled with their own anxieties already. Do I really want to add to that because I have been neglectful with myself, or have worried myself into this predicament. So may unknowns, and so much out of my control. Life was easier when it was easier for me to go with the flow.

My worry became more intense when a few years ago my cousin, who was just under  a year older than me suffered a heart attack and had two subsequent strokes. Yes, I know I am not my grandfather nor am I my cousin....it's just thinking I have needed to change, and WILL change. baby steps. baby steps. baby steps. Anita, you will be okay....you are not the people who have suffered and left big hand prints on your heart. Your life is your own, even when you draw the lines of similarity.

I have produced a lot of tears lately. Often, I get upset that I am so emotional. Growing up having emotions seemed like they were off limits. Sharing emotions and feelings was not allowed. One parent seemed to only show anger. The other parent seemed always on the verge of being vulnerable to feelings. Step-parents who held me at arms distance. So, when I feel feelings....I sometimes fell like my body is morphed into this young girl with long black braids who is getting yelled out for talking about the things that were going on, that perhaps should not have.

My heart is is recovery in many aspects and burns with passion. 

”Watch, O Lord, with those who wake or watch or weep tonight, and give your angels and saints charge over those who sleep. Tend your sick ones, O Lord Christ. Rest your weary ones. Bless your dying ones. Soothe your suffering ones. Pity your afflicted ones, shield your joyous ones. And all for love's sake.” – St. Augustine of Hippo

Oh, I cannot wait to once again be a joyous one.