F*CKN' Perfect

 It wasn't so long ago, so it seems when someone close to me told me I didn't have a good facial profile. I was told my nose is too flat, too wide, ad my cheeks are too round. I was told that people wanted to see girls with thinner, pointy noses and flat cheeks. I was too short and too fat. I weighed 89 pounds at the time, and was  just as tall as I am today, All I wanted was to be on television, or better yet on stage. When I was in junior high my goal was to some how end up in musical theater, to play people who had lives other than mine. Did I want to be someone else? Yes, for moments in time I did. But, only in the sense of escaping and playacting not in real life. But, I did long for a different life, if that makes any sense.
I junior high I joined drama club, In high school I lettered in theater arts. My singing was mediocre and my dancing was okay. My drama teacher said if I had lessons might be able to get somewhere. He was real and honest, and most of my jobs were  and small parts. He knew I didn't have the money for these things. However, he encouraged my to practice dramatic readings of my poetry, and not to change who I was at my core. "You're a better writer than an actor, although I know your desire is to be on stage. You can be on stage in other ways. Anita, keep writing and you will shine."
I graduated high school, joined the Marines, moved around, got married and had an increasingly number of kids. Writing short stories, and poems waxed and waned. My style for the dramatic did as well, and here I am at 41 and reminiscing on words. Words of being "not enough" and "too much". Words of encouragement and realism.
Last year at my paternal grandmothers funeral I did all the readings at Mass, and the Prayer of the Faithful. It wasn't easy for me, but I powered through. At the reception one of my uncles said I was a wonderful speaker and that I could be on television. I already have been on television (Thanks Lisa Ling). So, here I sit tonight reflecting on those words, and the words of many people who have entered my life who affirmed me as an adult. Affirmed me that I AM beautiful, I AM enough, I AM capable. So, now I accept that affirmations as true....and know that my junior high dreams can be reached in very different ways. The path to the stage isn't always a straight line, or a perfect pen stroke.