Forever Young

Forest Falls, California

This weekend was pretty amazing. I have had a lot of time outdoors. I took my youngest four on a spontaneous trip to Oak Glen into the snow. We played at Los Rios Rancho, and Oak Glen Conservancy. The youngest two had a great time sliding around in their snow pants. I am so lucky that we found the pants at our local Goodwill. It's always cool when you can save money on good gear.

Yesterday, I volunteered at the local farmers market  with my master food preservers program. It was great to get a chance to get to know the two people I was volunteering with, outside of class. One older gentleman is such a sweet guy. His wife is super nice, as well. They brought all the supplies for the booth.

The lady who was there is older, and gives me hope for my future, so long as I stay active. She is going to do Machu Pichu this spring. I really hope I get to see some photos from that. You know, all the adventure isn't just for the young. I have hope that I will do some great adventures as I get more into my 40's, and hopefully until I die when I am old. My dream is to get my husband, and my kids into adventuring and exploring this world. But, I am going to teach them now to leave their mark on our natural world in a way that destroys.

I think about death a lot. Not in a way where I want to die, but in a way in which I would like to be remembered, what I want to do before I die. How to leave a legacy of adventure, and overcoming fears. My life as I have gotten older, has become a series of fears real and imagined. Really, I hope my kids will remember me as trying new things, loving life, and taking on my fears. I know they will know I love God, my friends, and of course I really hope they will know I love them. My kids have been my everything for so long. So much so, that I forgot about me, I forgot about my husband. I was always just a mom. Not that being a mom is a bad thing, I love being a mom....more than I ever imagined. However, one day there will be no kids in the house...and I need to learn to do things alone by myself, with friends, and of course with my husband.

I choose adventure, it is helping me with my PTSD. I was diagnosed with it about 4 years ago. Something triggered some serious anxiety, I went and got helped. Realizing that you need to take care of yourself, or more so that you have not been taking care of yourself is hard to swallow. Following my diagnosis I was diagnosed and hospitalized for Type 2 Diabetes. It was rough, and I needed to get my life in order. For a long time I was doing really well, then I had a series of losses. My heartbreak had me giving up, when I really just wanted to be outside moving my body. My mind kept me inside, afraid. Afraid, of doing something dangerous or even seemingly normal that would take me away from everything. But, I know my grief was too much for my heart. I ended up in the ER with SVT again, and I couldn't be swayed to leave my house. 

I know these people would not want me giving up, and living in fear. One person in particular loved hearing about my adventures. She was my best friend and sometimes my worst enemy. My cousin Rosalie, complications for Type 1 Diabetes took her from us. She wanted so badly to get well, get a kidney, and start her own adventures. She told me she lived in fear for too long, afraid of what others would think of her. She told me that her being mean to me in our youth, and even adulthood was her jealousy of my being unafraid. Yet, her death gave me the biggest fear and now it gives me the strength I need to push myself. 

My childhood friend Patricia fought cancer for a long time. She was a great cheerleader to my family. Her and her wife were always kind to my family, and big supporters of my oldest daughter. She loved adventure, her family, and mostly her wife. There is more I can say, but it's hard right now. Why? Because, she was just so young. She was a fighter and even though we were not terribly close, I know she would be there if I had really needed her.

I am brown. I am fat. I am pushing past my PTSD.

My heroes are forever young: This is for you Rosalie Lara Siever, and Patricia Elmore

Pacific

Today was pretty busy, I did a lot of driving. Another Master Gardener and I did a presentation on vermiposting. It was so fun, even with a small crowd and a couple people not sure about worms. I hope these people left with some good info and maybe some laughs. For me, doing presentations can be intimidating. In no way do I know it all about vermiposting, but I think I know enough to help someone get started. For me, it's always learning as I instruct.
After the event my son Joaquin and I went on a small walk around Chino Basin Water Conservation District. Neither of us had been there before. We only saw a small section of it, but it was so serene and peaceful. I plan on going back soon and getting better acquainted with the area. Driving to new places is still hard for me. But, I do challenge myself and have been doing it more. I have to admit I did not take the freeway, for some reason that section of the 10 makes a weird vibration that really bothers me. So, if I am not in a rush I will avoid the freeway.
A lot of what I do lately is challenging myself. So I think I need to add another challenge, get back to the YMCA. For some reason I have a hard time going if I am going by myself. Really, I just need to stop making excuses. Working out has always helped out with my anxiety. Last year after a series of deaths, I just kind of got stuck. I just let myself get all worked up about death and figured since my peers were dying maybe I should just accept the inevitable and stop fighting for myself. Of course I will not cheat death, I will die one day. But, I should fight to be healthy and live a life I can love. It's hard to love a life full of anxiety and doubt. I know I am not the only one who can relate to this.
I think for my birthday I will try and schedule both a beach clean up and a trail maintenance day. For my 42nd birthday I want to give back to the Pacific Ocean coastline, and of course a local trail. Maybe throw some camping in the mix. I might move a little slow (thanks arthritis) but, I move and can get things done. One of the things that really hold me back is being heat sensitive but last year I joined a challenge and some of the ladies have me some tips. Obviously I need to stay hydrated, but there are some items I purchased that helped, including cooling socks....yes! The cooling socks are worth the money.

Tomorrow I need to look at my calendar for the next month and add in some hiking trips. I love the sounds of my boots hitting the dirt, and the smells of the changing air, plants, and yes the dirt. We have a California Explorer Annual Pass, so we will be finding more places to explore and enjoy. Adventuring is fun, inspiring, and invigorating.
This week, I also need to get some more seeds started for spring planting. I am excited for the chance of frost to pass. Some night we can still drop into the 30's and warm weather plants tend to not like that. We lost all of our seedlings last year because of that. We live and learn. Right now we have broccoli, napa cabbage, iceberg lettuce, and strawberries growing. Also, we still have citrus flowering and coming in. I am hoping as the years go on the size of our garden progresses and we become more food secure in the fresh food area. I want to plant a lot of tomatoes so we have fresh and I can can some sauces, and what not. That is why I am loving the Master Food Preservers class.
Coming next month I will be starting an irrigation class. When I finish that and pass the test I will be a Qualified Water Efficient Landscaper. All this little things will help me do better at home, and get me to my goal of having a good harvest, without too much cost.
That is all I have for now.....tomorrow my oldest two celebrate a Rite at Mass....I am excited, but also weary we will not find a Sponsor or a Godparent before they make their sacrements.

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

 Last night was a bittersweet celebration. A good size group of us were able to attend our graduation for the UCCE Master Gardeners of San Bernardino County Program. 18 weeks of long Tuesday nights, making friends, and sharing food came to an end. Well, some of us will continue to work together and cross paths a long the way. Some of us may on see a name in an email, or on a calendar. But, really I think all the experiences of this class will be memorable.

I did what I think anyone would of done, and as someone put it "took the mantle" and just made sure the class stayed running while our leader had to take an unexpected medical leave. Our leader is now one of my best friends. I learned from her how to listen, and to give people a voice. Despite my fear of leading my peers and those more seasoned than me, I went and did the job with one goal: get everyone to the finish line...including myself. Because, when your friend knows she needs help making sure the ball in not dropped, you catch it. When your peers are almost to the finish line, you don't say "I can't."

The graduation was only a success because I had help. Because, people stepped forward and allowed me to delegate small and big tasks. They allowed me to deal with minor details and ask them to move big, heavy round tables, greet people. stage food, and communicate with a wonderful church staff.  This is why I am still so emotional about being presented with a "Thank You' card and gift. So many kind words were written, and even spoken to me. Right now as I sit here and type this, my eyes well up. They well up because, I have forgotten my worth outside of my home. I know how much my family appreciates me. It's emotional to be publicly appreciated, and with my husband sitting there and listening. It is more touching to be thanked, uplifted, and inspired all at the same time by the friend I filled in for.....

Thank you to my husband and children who have been without me for so many hours, without them this would not have been possible for me.

In God's Country

Yesterday, I spent my Sabbath day outside of the normal parish I attend to go to "God's Country". My husband, our oldest son, and our oldest daughter (together) joined me on an adventure to Joshua Tree National Park. Growing up not very far away in Cabazon, you would of thought I ventured into the park often. In fact, even though I had visited 29 Palms as an adult, and camped a lot as a child; I had never visited Joshua Tree National Park.


I drove most of the way to the park. I get anxiety driving to far and new places. I get anxiety driving over unfamiliar bridges and overpasses. My goal is to get over these fears, this fears that have surfaced as I have aged. The fears of bridges and overpasses comes for what some people call a minor childhood trauma, one of my cousins told me that my mom and stepdad had gotten into an accident on their motorcycle and had been knocked off a bridge. I was roughly five or six years old. It changed the way I thought about a lot of things, for a long time though I had this behind me. As I have aged and have had more children it just lingers in my brain. Time to say goodbye.
On the drive up we of course listened to Gram Parsons, then I opted for some Gary Allan, and then as we got closer I had my husband select U2's 'Joshua Tree'. That album brings me memories of my own desert upbringing, and has always made me want to visit places I have never been. It was one of my first cassette's I bought with babysitting money.

The desert has always been my first love, although I have had minor affairs with beaches, and a life long love with mountain life. The desert is home, it's comfort, it's warm, it's cool, it's clear. The desert and it's dark nights are what comfort my soul. I long for nights looking up at the stars, while I bring myself center and back to God.
When I think of the desert I think of nights walking on warm black asphalt in town. Days on horseback riding through sand, and over rocks to washes.
Joshua Tree is a different though, It was like coming into a self I had forgotten, even though it was a self I had not yet known. We did some hiking, treading long spots of loose sand. We did a lot of driving, looking at the natural beauty as we listened to music. We planned our next adventure. I am planning an overnight, perhaps a weekend. So, if you want to go with me, and help me purge more of what is there below the surface, I will gladly take you up on that offer. Even if we just sit or hike with long silences.