My Love Stays

23 years ago today I met the man that I would eventually marry. 1994 both seems like last week and a lifetime ago. We started out as from the Marines, he was still in. We stayed in contact for a few years through letter writing and a occasional phone call. In 1997 I was living in Wichita, and starting the process to start college to become a teacher. My days and nights were mostly spent working. During that time I had two jobs, one was retail and the other was overnight doing a store remodel. My fear was getting trapped in Kansas and not leading a life I loved. Really, I did not want to be a teacher, I wanted to travel around, write, and go back to the Atlantic coast. So, I made a call to the person my heart still held on to, and that night I left Kansas on a Greyhound bus to North Carolina. Life ever since had been full of twists and turns. Nothing was ever perfect, except in the moments it was meant to be. We have fought, cried, kissed, moved, separated at one point, battled demons and vices, and we have always loved always loved,  and continue to do so.
We are two very different people, which at times is rough and at others it makes us perfect. I am social and he likes to be at home. I like going to crowded places, he likes quiet solidarity. He likes country fried chicken, and I like sweet rice. He likes Tom Cruse movies and I like subtitles. Yet, here we are. Here we are, 23 years of friendship later, in transition once again and yet still loving one another through it all.
Today, we walked through an antique store and it's garden. We shared a meal at McDonalds and came home. It could only have been better if the drizzle would of turned to rain.
I have been writing a lot of poetry and am looking into submitting for publishing. One of my lifelong dreams is to have a book, even a small one of poetry published. So, here is to bucketlist items being fulfilled. There is no desire for my to wait until my golden years to try and tick these things off. These days it's about living life now, withing my financial means of course. Since I enjoy going out and doing things, then I do things that make me happy. Learning, volunteering, walking around in stores (even with empty pockets), and going out with friends. Next week I should be going to a class for holiday treats. It is being put on by Master Food Preservers. There are some people from the Master Gardeners program who are also going. It should be fun.

 OOTD

Jacket: Vintage Dani Colby (Goodwill)

Dress: Torrid

Necklace: Made in the Phillipines (Goodwill)

Glasses: Zenni Optical
Bolero: Torrid

Unaware

Today I got to volunteer at the helpline for the Master Gardeners program I am in. I enjoy the office space, and I was worried at first it would be too quiet for me, it wasn't. Day to day I am used to lots of noise, kids, the traffic of the neighborhood I live in, and media. Even when I go hiking or trail walking, I have my earbuds in and have on music or a podcast. I played some podcasts while I was working and reading one of the books in the office. I think when I am there and have any down time I will read and listen to podcasts. Which reminds me that I need to find a good gardening podcast. Well, I just looked on iTunes and found Master Gardeners Hour. I will give it a whirl and post about it after a few episodes seep into my ears.

I took Joaquin to see his pediatric neurologist today. For now he is off his seizure medication pending an eight hour EEG, but will remain on hos tourettes medication. He is coming a long way.

While I do spend time volunteering, maybe more than some people think is okay for me, I am still looking for a part time job. Our income is really been basically cut in half, which makes things pretty hard. Ideally I would like to keep our house. I know it is not okay to dwell on it, and yet the stress is making one of my eyelids twitch. I think so rest, prayer, and meditation is in order. That is my plan for this weekend.

Last night in the Master Gardener class I learned about fruit trees. Now I need to make a spreadsheet for the trees I have and when I should be pruning them. Some of the trees on the property flower but do not fruit. So now I know how I might be able to help them. I will give it a year and if they no long fruit and are not diseased they will become mulch. Once finances are better I will be investing in a mulcher. There are some small ones on Amazon I have been eyeing. One step at a time, I know this.

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Headlights

I have been going through past experiences, in my thoughts I have been inventorying how they have made me feel. How they have shaped the woman I have become. Sometimes these thoughts, inventories manifest in tears, sometimes they manifest in poems, and sometimes a combination of both. Someday, hopefully soon I hope to become a better woman. A woman who has some sort of peace about her childhood and her past. Where questions can be asked and answered honestly. That means the woman I am needs to gain strength in her words, in her value, and in not allowing herself to be reduced to as small child.

All my life people have made me feel "not enough" or "too much". These are feelings that have found there way into my adult life, my life as a wife, and my life as a mother....and as a friend. Here I am just trying to be better and figure this all out at 41. Shouldn't I feel "just right" by now?

OOTD:

Blouse: Loulou de la Falaise via Goodwill

Skirt: Torrid (clearance)

Shoes: Payless Shoes (clearance)

Necklace: Goodwill

Glasses: Zenni Optical

Desert Girl

I grew up and forever will remain a desert girl. A desert girl who loves mountains, and streams. A desert girl who gets nostalgic when seeing cactus and tumbleweeds. A desert girl who misses dry heat and the smell of desert rain. 

Today, I went to an event for Native American Month at San Bernardino County Museum. I of course walked through the cactus garden before going inside. My oldest daughter was with me, and she took my photo for me. We had a good time together, trying some good food, looking at exhibits, and just learning so much. Every time we go we learn so much. 

Sometimes it is nice to get out one on one with my kids. With my daughter it is very important to me. She is very much a daddy's girl, and sometimes I need her to remember I love her. Kids her age are going through so much, I know it was hard for me. Also, with her needs she needs time to breathe away from all her siblings. My hope is we will have a good mother-daughter relationship as she ages. She is so much of me and her dad rolled up into one.

I was feeling pretty crappy most of the weekend, and I think I just needed to get out into my community. Out and seeing other people, seeing the cactus, and the old clothes on display. While we were there I was noticed by someone from my Master Gardeners class. 

The best part of my day was my husband fixing the washing machine. <3

People Who Died

I have been in prayer and mourning for my cultural and religious holidays. My mourning has included both laughter and tears. I have been around death since as early as I can remember. It is a natural part of life, but even though I know that it  can still to be hard to process. My altar has been set up simple, and I sometimes eat my meals with my family and friends. i remember them while I pray for their eternal rest. It is in no way easy to let go of the feelings, guilt, sorrow, sadness, and I will never give up the feelings of hope and joy for one day reuniting with them.
As it turns out my anxiety was about this last night, about loss and death. About the realization of my age and what that means. When I lost my grandma last year it was the realization that parents are next in the natural scheme of things. I know many people my age who are adult orphans, that is the feeling they have. Now friends, and old acquaintances, they are leaving this earth. People my age lives are ending when it seems like mine is going through a new beginning. How does one process that, and now feel guilt and happiness weave together in a mish mash of soul bursting confusion? Life is a pandoras box of feelings.
For me I know I need to trek forward and let people know I love them and let them know how they have impacted my experience on this earth.


For you my departed
For you who have stamped your love and kindness
Onto the deepest regions of my soul
I offer up my prayers
That your eternity be that of joy and peace
That pain and sadness is a fight only your earthly body had to endure
That your grievances be left at heavens gates
And your ancestors greet you with the love
The love of your Creator
That your depature will one day comfort my soul
And the souls of others

(original offering AARS 11.02.2017)

Lovesong

My day in pictures, my first volunteer day for the Master Gardeners helpline, comic book shop visit, quickcrete dust from a 90lb bag I bought at Lowes, happy mail from Japan and Oklahoma. Today was busy, but good.

I am trying to do NaNoWrimo and I am feeling panicked. I do not know why, maybe because my mind is everywhere in the world and not on writing. Which is frustrating because I love writing, I do. Maybe because I picked a topic. Maybe because right now I am having anxiety and keep thinking I will have Super Ventricular Tachycardia again.  Life with anxiety is not easy, it's not always like this thankfully. It is just hard some days and some nights stretch long and I feel alone, and suffocating.

Down In The Valley

Today I got to go to the art walk/zine fest in Redlands. In the past I have been to the zine fest, but not the art walk, this year they were in the same area. The vendors, artists, and makers were a plenty and some were making art and zines as people walked through. There were families, couples, young people, teens of all ages roaming Downtown Redlands on a warm October day. There were people with dogs strolling holding cups of what I assume is coffee, and people milling in and out of the local shops that were open for business.

I milled through a three level antique store and kept seeing things I wanted to take home with me. There were a few typewriter, record players, and so many office supplies whispering to me that they needed me to to take them home. There so many small childrens records full of nature and folk songs smiling at me, so colorful and kept near perfect, next to them was a case with beautiful old fountain pens, wax stamp, and ink bottles. Oh, how they looked at me so lovingly. Then there were the hats beckoning to sit atop my head and be kin to my hats at home. I left only spending about $2.50 on a vintage childrens record of nature songs, however I promised to return and gaze lovingly at everything again..

Today's dress is vintage, handmade probably late 1960's early 1970's....a Goodwill fins that only cost me $1 a few months ago.

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Love Letter

 This is my creative space where I will be working on this years NaNoWRIMO. It is where I draw pictures, write letters, type up poems, and even read books when I don't want to sit on my couch.  This is the spot where where I study for my Master Gardener course, study religion, philosophy, and social issues. I feel lucky to have this desk, even though it is old, scratched, and worn. I will use it until the time comes when something different falls into my lap.