When I was growing up, I feel I was made to feel unworthy of things. Not just by adults but my similarly aged family members. I feel like I was always fighting for love and acceptance. My views on love, and what love entailed were and still are askew. Pain, sadness, separation, begging, loneliness, abusive submission, and manipulation were what I saw of love. Not just was is considered an eros type of love, but an agape love.
As I entered my teen years, I saw women were seemly there for men to control and to use as his need to be met. Women's needs and desires, they often took third place behind the needs of men and children. I tried to fight against this, to not be some object of desire yet, I deeply wanted to be desired and mostly to be loved. Be loved for who I was and who I would become. But, did I deserve that type of agape and eros love? What made me special? There were constant reminders that I was not beautiful, that I was smarter than a man would like me to be. So I was in a constant state of not knowing if I would ever find a love that complimented me. I was also unsure that I could love someone the way I wanted to be loved. Really, these thoughts still hold valuable real estate in my brain and in my heart.
I pushed a lot of people away. Afraid, afraid of the pain that would be inevitable. Afraid, afraid of being loved so much that I would bot recognize it as true. Even now, 19 years into my marriage I often feel like the rug will be pulled out from under my feet. You know, like it has been a big joke....like I am dog earred page in his life, in an old comfortable book....and he was just waiting for the long awaited sequel. Possibly this is all very irrational and possibly, this is all true,
I know my worth in not in my relationship. But, it has a way of shaping my view of my worth. We wax and wane in where we are in life. Lovers, friends, house mates, caretakers....strangers. We were once young, struggling, full of possibility. We were once, healthy and thin and active. Right now we are older, struggling in different ways, and not quite who we once were. We are different as a couple and in many ways different individuals.
A lot has to change in me. I am working on my worth. I am working on what I see in myself that is of value. What can I offer the world, outside of my selfish needs. So much of me wants everything I love and have a passion for to also be what he ha s love and passion for. At one time we has the same passions and desires....not so much anymore. My prayer for him is that he finds his.
"Lord, grant that I might not so much seek to be loved as to love."
--Saint Francis of Assisi
No comments:
Post a Comment