Life is up and down, like hiking on a familiar path with unexpected peaks that take your breath away. When you move forward and gets your boots broken in, something or someone puts a thorn in your foot and you have to get off trail. That is how life has been for me. Life was going in a long and I was going slowly uphill, when I lost my footing and lost my breath.
My heart is broken, and not in sense that love has been lost or love has left. In the sense that right now I am wearing a heart monitor for two weeks, and hoping that the episodes are temporary. My spirit is tired and it's often so much to just get ready at some point in the day. Routines and rituals are a required part of my self care. The physical thing with my heart is messing with my mental state more and more. It's as if, it's vortex wherein my anxiety raises my heart rate, and my hear rate raises my anxiety and back again.
Since I was 12 I had worried about developing some sort of heart problem. My maternal grandfather suffered a heart attack. Worry around that always lingered in my mind, mostly in the background. So when I started experiencing these SVT episodes, my mind wandered off into the worst things that could happen. Mostly worrying I would suffer a heart attack at home alone with my kids. What would that do to them? I have some young ones still, and older ones that are riddled with their own anxieties already. Do I really want to add to that because I have been neglectful with myself, or have worried myself into this predicament. So may unknowns, and so much out of my control. Life was easier when it was easier for me to go with the flow.
My worry became more intense when a few years ago my cousin, who was just under a year older than me suffered a heart attack and had two subsequent strokes. Yes, I know I am not my grandfather nor am I my cousin....it's just thinking I have needed to change, and WILL change. baby steps. baby steps. baby steps. Anita, you will be okay....you are not the people who have suffered and left big hand prints on your heart. Your life is your own, even when you draw the lines of similarity.
I have produced a lot of tears lately. Often, I get upset that I am so emotional. Growing up having emotions seemed like they were off limits. Sharing emotions and feelings was not allowed. One parent seemed to only show anger. The other parent seemed always on the verge of being vulnerable to feelings. Step-parents who held me at arms distance. So, when I feel feelings....I sometimes fell like my body is morphed into this young girl with long black braids who is getting yelled out for talking about the things that were going on, that perhaps should not have.
My heart is is recovery in many aspects and burns with passion.
”Watch, O Lord, with those who wake or watch or weep tonight, and give your angels and saints charge over those who sleep. Tend your sick ones, O Lord Christ. Rest your weary ones. Bless your dying ones. Soothe your suffering ones. Pity your afflicted ones, shield your joyous ones. And all for love's sake.” – St. Augustine of Hippo
Oh, I cannot wait to once again be a joyous one.
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