Some day I feel like all those labels, and traumas follow being me like a cape. It's not pulling on me, but it will furl and wrap around me and remind me of why I am the way I am. Why I am going through such a hard time. These things that haunt me have changed me and continue to change me day by day. Some days I am changing moment by moment.
This morning, I awake in a sweat with a feel of being strangled. Then I monitored my heart as my heart rate jumped over 30 beats and I did my breathing exercises. Slowing my heart rate back to normal. Falling back to sleep was hard and I awoke to my husband asking me if I wanted to drive him to work. My body was already vibrating and tense. This is my life right now, and hopefully not forever. It took so much energy to focus and make breakfast. Then I rested, and watched TV with the kids who were in the room with me. I took my meds and was able to relax so that I could get dressed. This should not be a struggle. Yet, here it is.
Right now I am pretty much homebound because of the weather not agreeing with my heart. I am blessed though that I have an air conditioned home, so that I can move about when my body allows me. In my home I have my music, my art, my books, and my family. In my home I have support and I have my dog Ryan Gosling. Yet, a lot of me years to be back on the trails and out in the sun moving my body through sand and soil. My boots long to get dirty and have the tread worn down. Soon, I am sure soon I will be back in my former life.
One thing I wish is that I had visitors or phone calls. Or someone who wants to meet up in a cool place with parking close to the door. What I do not want, is what I probably need....a temporary wheel chair. When I do go to the VA, now if I go to a store it's safer for me to be in a wheelchair. However, I do not have one. I don't want one....right now I just want peace in my mind and soul.
No comments:
Post a Comment