Heavy

Sometimes you need to take long walks along, or seemingly long. My anxiety has been bad. It was triggered by a smell. You never know what will upsetting during these periods. Right now as I type this I am even having some anxiety, it's always on the edge of my chest burning across my shoulders and making me afraid. Afraid I will have super ventricular tachycardia again. I had it early Wednesday morning and had to take my anxiety pill, know it was triggered by that smell.
I am constant fear of my heart giving out from stress, sadness, and fighting the good fight. The periods of anxiety seems to have their seasons and I dread them. I am on edge and it's hard to breathe or function on some days. That is not who I want to be.....
Yesterday I went on a small 1.56 mile hike out in San Timeteo Nature Preserve. It was a nice day for it, sunny but cool out. I saw a few birds, and I stood by the creek for awhile and watched the parachute seeds glimmering in the sunlight, being blown through the air. It was magical like what you seen in those inspirational quote pictures, or in a  movie. I could of stayed there all day long, had I planned on even going. Two yogurts will not sustain you, even will a gallon of water.
I have come to the realization I need therapy again, I stopped going a few years back when I didn't like everything that was being brought up. It was too intense for my with having Tanni so young, and the kids seeing me so upset. So very upset. Jimmy was working so far out of town that I couldn't drive to see him, I could barely drive home. My eyes were always welled up. But, I know this battle can not be fought alone anymore, and with help and encouragement I might be able to make it through this period without much damage to my life. Meaning, without resorting to locking myself inside my house again afraid to leave. I am already pushing myself, but I just am not doing as much as I was....I really just can not. In my heart of hearts I wish I could.
My husband promises to get me out on  the weekend to Mass and to nature if I can not make it during the week, those two things are healing for me.


Jacket in Athleta- Goodwill $4.99
T-Shirt- Mill Creek Visitor Center $forgot
Skirt Skirt Sports- Amazon  $35 when I bought it a few years ago
Leggings Lularoe- $gifted
Shoes Keen- Amazon $83.97
Hat- Antique Store $6.99

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