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| Forest Falls, California |
This weekend was pretty amazing. I have had a lot of time outdoors. I took my youngest four on a spontaneous trip to Oak Glen into the snow. We played at Los Rios Rancho, and Oak Glen Conservancy. The youngest two had a great time sliding around in their snow pants. I am so lucky that we found the pants at our local Goodwill. It's always cool when you can save money on good gear.
Yesterday, I volunteered at the local farmers market with my master food preservers program. It was great to get a chance to get to know the two people I was volunteering with, outside of class. One older gentleman is such a sweet guy. His wife is super nice, as well. They brought all the supplies for the booth.
The lady who was there is older, and gives me hope for my future, so long as I stay active. She is going to do Machu Pichu this spring. I really hope I get to see some photos from that. You know, all the adventure isn't just for the young. I have hope that I will do some great adventures as I get more into my 40's, and hopefully until I die when I am old. My dream is to get my husband, and my kids into adventuring and exploring this world. But, I am going to teach them now to leave their mark on our natural world in a way that destroys.
I think about death a lot. Not in a way where I want to die, but in a way in which I would like to be remembered, what I want to do before I die. How to leave a legacy of adventure, and overcoming fears. My life as I have gotten older, has become a series of fears real and imagined. Really, I hope my kids will remember me as trying new things, loving life, and taking on my fears. I know they will know I love God, my friends, and of course I really hope they will know I love them. My kids have been my everything for so long. So much so, that I forgot about me, I forgot about my husband. I was always just a mom. Not that being a mom is a bad thing, I love being a mom....more than I ever imagined. However, one day there will be no kids in the house...and I need to learn to do things alone by myself, with friends, and of course with my husband.
I choose adventure, it is helping me with my PTSD. I was diagnosed with it about 4 years ago. Something triggered some serious anxiety, I went and got helped. Realizing that you need to take care of yourself, or more so that you have not been taking care of yourself is hard to swallow. Following my diagnosis I was diagnosed and hospitalized for Type 2 Diabetes. It was rough, and I needed to get my life in order. For a long time I was doing really well, then I had a series of losses. My heartbreak had me giving up, when I really just wanted to be outside moving my body. My mind kept me inside, afraid. Afraid, of doing something dangerous or even seemingly normal that would take me away from everything. But, I know my grief was too much for my heart. I ended up in the ER with SVT again, and I couldn't be swayed to leave my house.
I know these people would not want me giving up, and living in fear. One person in particular loved hearing about my adventures. She was my best friend and sometimes my worst enemy. My cousin Rosalie, complications for Type 1 Diabetes took her from us. She wanted so badly to get well, get a kidney, and start her own adventures. She told me she lived in fear for too long, afraid of what others would think of her. She told me that her being mean to me in our youth, and even adulthood was her jealousy of my being unafraid. Yet, her death gave me the biggest fear and now it gives me the strength I need to push myself.
My childhood friend Patricia fought cancer for a long time. She was a great cheerleader to my family. Her and her wife were always kind to my family, and big supporters of my oldest daughter. She loved adventure, her family, and mostly her wife. There is more I can say, but it's hard right now. Why? Because, she was just so young. She was a fighter and even though we were not terribly close, I know she would be there if I had really needed her.
I am brown. I am fat. I am pushing past my PTSD.
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